“Breaking up is hard to do,” said Neil Sedaka in 1962, and it turns out he was right. Whether you’ve initiated the split or are on the receiving end of it, chances are you will feel pretty low for a while (so thank goodness for ice cream, wine, and sad movies, right?). But what if you’re absolutely fed up with your partner? What if you’re desperate for an escape? What if you just need to break up?
Well, as it turns out, not all breakups are created equal. Don’t make things tougher for yourself — or your ex — with a shoddy split (no matter how much he or she deserves it!).
The following is a list of the five crappiest ways to go splitsville.
The Breakup Text
Ah, technology, the passive-aggressive person’s dream. Sure, it might be tempting to avoid all confrontation with a quick “thanks but no thanks!” text message, but you’ll end up looking pretty weak, and that’s probably not what you want. You could’ve at least called.
The Non-Breakup Breakup
It could be nice if you and your ex quietly drifted apart with no need to say anything about it. Unfortunately, this is not how the world works. Sure, you might’ve silently moved on to bigger and better things, but chances the other party still thinks you two are in a relationship. Oops.
The Facebook Breakup
You know that couple that broke up in public, causing such a scene you just had to stop by and listen? Remember how you felt embarrassed for them? Yeah, that’s the Facebook breakup for you, except it’ll also be documented for all eternity. The internet never forgets.
The Public Breakup
Say you really want everyone to witness your ex’s misery. Even if you want to pretend that that isn’t cruel, you should at least realize that this kind of breakup is straight up embarrassing. Sure, you’ll make a fool of your ex — but you’ll make a fool out of yourself, as well.
The After Sex — Or In The Middle Of Sex — Breakup
If your ex sucks at bed, at least have the courtesy to lie about it.
The Special Day Breakup
Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas — you really can wait just one more day. Way to ruin someone’s holidays forever.
The Wedding Breakup
This one just screams “cold feet.” And don’t even think about dumping someone at your own wedding, either — that’s not only evil, but also a huge waste of time and money.
The “I love you” Breakup
It’s awkward enough when someone says “I love you” before you’re ready to reciprocate, but don’t respond with a break up right then and there. You’ll probably feel like a huge jerk, and your ex will be so traumatized he or she will never dare say the three little magic words again.
The Stranded Breakup
You want revenge, right? It’s only natural that you’ve come up with a big elaborate breakup plan, then — like inviting him or her somewhere and then dropping the bomb on them while you two are away. Oh, and then leaving by yourself, while you’re at it. Sure, it seems like a great idea now, but this is just so much bad karma. Don’t even think about it.
The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Breakup… It is them. And they know it.
Tell us about your worst break up…